Sometimes it's hard, this living thing.
This week is particularly hard. It was excruciatingly so three years ago yesterday, when we were told that my lovely Mum had died. It will be heartbreakingly so tomorrow, at my Dad's funeral. Then, again, ten days later, on his birthday. Today is the in-the-middle day. Final arrangements made, my best friend has arrived, my brother and his family are nearby and, yet, if I could not have tomorrow, I would. I also know that it won't be as bad as I think it will be; I found that at Mum's funeral. I also know that it will "help", certainly in the future, if not immediately.
Actually I have realised it's after midnight now, so it's no longer the in-the-middle day, which it was when I started writing. Although, my Dad was always happy to point out that in summertime, "afternoon" really started at 1pm, not 12pm. So, using that logic, is it currently still Tuesday, until 1am? I don't know. The timestamp on this site's admin panel says 23:30, so maybe I'll go with that and you can ignore this paragraph.
Undoubtedly I am slightly protected from the most raw of emotions by the medication I am still taking as a result of the effect on me of my mother's passing. The experience has been different this time, as I cared for Dad at his home (with masses of help from the district nursing team, a local care firm and the truly wonderful Marie Curie nurses). I was there, holding his hand and talking to him as he slipped away and I'm glad I was. I wish it hadn't had to happen, naturally, but I did the best I could and now I have to find the courage to move on. Slowly. Day by day. I feel I have to reappraise my place in the world, as I now feel alone in it. My brother has his own family, which, I'm sure, is a great comfort and also a distraction. I don't have that and there have been a number of days recently when getting out of bed has seemed very overrated. That should pass, in time, but I know, too, that things will never be the same again. Which may, in some way, turn out to be a good thing, or at least not such a bad thing. A voyage somewhat into the unknown, but one that we all have to embark upon at some point in our lives.